Feeling Helpless

My immune system must be really all time low. I have been suffering from a very bad cough for the past week. I couldn't sleep peacefully at nights even with the doctor’s medicine. This is the first time after completing a year of treatment that I am suffering so long with a chest cough. The condition of the weather and the haze has further aggravated the situation.

During the past week ,I also had to deal with issue of my Indonesian cleaner Jamila. She comes to clean the house once a week. Some weeks ago while I was at work, my mother called to tell me that Jamila spoke about her breast being swollen. I immediately spoke to her and told her to make an appointment with a doctor and to do a mammography. Of course she did not do so because during this time she had met with an accident and was hospitalised. Since she was in hospital I told her to tell the doctors about the breast being swollen. But again she did not follow my advice.

Since she had recovered from the accident, she came to my house last Wednesday. She told my mother that there are two lumps on her breast. My mother called me in my office and I got to know that Jamila could not stand the pain so she went and finally did a mammography done in a medical centre. The medical centre informed herthat she needs for an operation done to remove the lumps and told her to go to the general hospital for further examination. I am yet to see the mammography report.

I tried to convince her to go the general hospital. But she is adamant that she is quite happy with the traditional medicine she is taking and she claims she has seen a lot of people recovering from all kind of diseases from taking the traditional herbs. I was really annoyed with her when I heard this. Moreover she said she has no money for the operation nor has she got anyone here to take care of her. Then I told her it is best she goes back to Indonesia soonest possible to seek treatment. She said after she completes the cycle of the traditional medicine only then she would go back to Indonesia.

I called jamila again today to find out how she is doing. She said she is feeling much better! Ah! She said is afraid of the operation as she may die. Hei! I told her I had the operation and I am still alive!

I am really upset and worried for her. But looks like the amount of convincing I have done is not enough! I fell truly helpless when someone around me could have breast cancer and I cannot do anything about it. Well I finally told myself that is only so much I can do and the rest must be left to ones' individual fate!

Tai Chi

When I read about articles or books on living beyond breast cancer, I usually come across the following sentence “…exercising increases the survival rate….”. And guess what! It is not just some minutes of exercise a week but it must be done for more than 3 hours or more a week. What a tall order indeed!

When I finished my treatment and started going back to work, I told myself I should at least try to do brisk walking for half an hour at least 3 days a week. But resolutions can always be made and not followed!

As the months went by I realized that I have not been able to find time to do much brisk walking. By the time I get home, drop everything and start walking around the field near my house it is already dark and I will be making my rounds alone. Walking at night has become dangerous with the increase of the snatch thieves.

As I walk, I began so alert of my surroundings especially to sound of motorbikes. Instead of distressing and I get more stressed! So I starting going for the walks only if I reach home early that is not many days in a week. With less exercise, I become more tired… not in mood for many things icluding having FUN!

I decided to do something about it, after reading the newly acquired books from US. Suddenly from no way I had this realization that there was Tai Chi sessions conducted in the same field where I walk and my friend has been with this group for many years. I finally got myself motivated and joined the Tai Chi group. The sessions are from 8pm to 9 pm, Mondays to Thursdays.

I read that Tai Chi is a traditional Chinese mind body relaxation exercise that can help achieve a balanced body and mind. The gliding movements/gentle exercise of the Tai Chi, helps to reduce stress and train the mind to still itself even in action.

Well I have been going for the past 2 weeks to these sessions, I am enjoying it so far, feel good and energetic. I shall endeavor to progress in my new project.

Consent To Being Interviewed

I was referred by a friend to an international cosmetics company for an interview. The Company wanted to interview some breast cancer survivors from Malaysia as they intend to produce a documentary to promote breast cancer month worldwide.

First, when I heard about this, I was really excited because now I will have a chance to appear around the globe! But the representative from the Company told me that I had to sign a Testimonial Consent and Release Letter. I was surprised at this request but nevertheless asked the representative to fax me the letter.

I read the letter and found that I would have to consent to the following clauses:

• ... to use my personal statement/comment without compensation and my photograph, can be used in brochures, flyers, print advertisement, electronic media and any form of digital means
• This consent is granted for an undefined period
• ... Company has the right to amend, change, revise or re-arrange the whole or part of my testimony.
  

Being a lawyer myself, I found the above clauses to be unfair and unreasonable. I was not happy with the clauses especially clauses 2 & 3. After consulting some friends, I was told that some of these clauses were standard clauses in Consent Letters but they also told me not to give the interview if i was uncomfortable with the clauses.

After giving some thought (I was only given 4 hours to decide), I decline the offer. Yep, it would be really great to appear on the international level but not with the above constraints, one must be happy of being interviewed!

BOOKS…BOOKS…BOOKS

My aunt is down in KL from the US. I had asked her to get for me 2 books on breast cancer. But she and my cousin went on a hunting spree for books. They not only got for me the two books I wanted but also several other books! There were also 2 books on breast cancer and humor. I am really so thankful to them for sourcing the books, anyway what are loved ones for…ha!... ha!

The related books on breast cancer are:
- A Dietitian’s Cancer Story by Diana Dyer
- Dancing With Fear by Leila Peltosaari

- I’d Rather Do Chemo Than Out The Garage by Fan Di Giacomo
- Humor After The Tumor by Patty Gelman

Before the above books came into my collection I was also given by loved ones the following books

- Dr Susan Love’s Breast Cancer by Susan M Love
- Living Beyond Breast Cancer by Marisa C Weiss

Looks like I can have my very own collection of books on breast cancer. I can’t wait to read the newly acquired books especially the ones with humor!

Oh! Something just crossed my mind. All the above books were purchased outside Malaysia. Book distributors and retailers in Malaysia should consider having more books related on breast cancer on their shelves so that the people could have immediate access and obtain important information from these books. Then, there would be more informed patients who are diagnosed with cancer. Of course the internet is also a good source of information provided many people can have access to it. The more informed and aware the patient and her love ones are, the better it is for treatment and recovery.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, the next day I was in the National Cancer Society of Malaysia, reading some of the books. One book in particular (I cannot remember the name now) was a compilation of all the experiences and heroic stories of breast cancer survivors. After reading this book, I had more confidence,encouragement, motivation and was more aware of what was to come and how to manage the surgery and treatment. I had also printed a lot of reading materials from the internet and had read them as I had more than a week from being diagnosed to surgery. All these knowledge gained really prepared me better to handle my breast cancer.

UMMC Breast Cancer Resource Centre

I was invited to visit the UMMC Breast Cancer Resource Centre by the surgeon who examined me when I went for my quarterly check up last Wednesday. She informed me that it was situated at the 6th Floor, Menara Utama, University Malay Medical Centre and it is also equipped with books and reading materials on breast cancer. I remember reading about the opening ceremony of the Resource Centre a couple of months ago. As I was in a hurry to get back to work that day, I was unable to pay a visit to the Resource Centre. I should make an attempt to stopover, the next time I am at UMMC. It is really helpful to the patients to have access to resource centres in hospitals as this will enable them to be an informed patient while undergoing diagnosis, treatment and recuperating. Family members of patients would also benefit from it.

Going back to UMMC for follow ups can sometimes be a trial itself. It always turns back time and brings back memories. This time around I had to pass by the oncology department and a flashbacks evaded me for a couple of seconds as I walked passed the the department.

I had a short chat with the soft spoken surgeon as I had met her in a workshop on breast cancer organized by a health magazine sometime late last year. She had my mammography report with her and said I was fine. I was also informed that UMMC has implemented e-prescription and the doctor just has to key in the information on-line and the pharmacy will have the prescription ready.After the chat I went to the pharmacy and immediately collected my tamixofin. Wow! I was really impressed as I did not have to wait at all the pharmacy to collect my supply.

I left UMMC rather pleased with myself as everything was concluded quickly on this visit.

Style and Strength

The Breast Cancer Welfare Association (BCWA) organized a hi-tea for newly breast cancer survivors at the Sunway Resort Hotel & Spa last Sunday.

About 20 women, most of them in their late thirties and forties attended the buffet lunch. I was really amazed to see a lot of young people in their thirties who have just finished their treatment. There was a survivor who is only 32 years old. Looks like more and more young people in their thirties are being diagnosed with breast cancer. And here… I thought at 40 years, I would be one of the youngest!

All of us came dressed informal but in style. In fact I am sure none of the other patrons would have guessed that we are breast cancer survivors.

While we indulged and enjoyed the array of delicious food, we were all eager to pour out our unique experiences, challenges that we faced, diet, the support from loved ones and friends. And finally we all shared and agreed to the fact we have come out of this saga with renewed strength!

There were also members of BCWA who could not join us as they were involved in the Dragon Boat Race held in conjunction with the water carnival at Putrajaya. I am sure the survivors would have displayed sheer strength and power to the spectators there.

Style and Strength… that is us the breast cancer survivors.

Mammography

I went for my mammography last week. It had been a year since I did the last one and discovered the malignant lump on my left breast. It brought back a whole lot of memories. I was not looking forward to it at all but then I did not have much choice, did I! Even when I had to wait for my turn to have the mammography done, I felt a terrible uneasiness at the bottom of my stomach. This statement kept on appearing in my thoughts, “What happens if they find a damn lump!”

When I entered the radiology room, I was asked by the technologist whether I have done this before. In the state of mind I was in I gave her a sarcastic reply, “I have only one breast you know”. She politely said she knew I had breast cancer and told me to get ready for the test. I suppose it was not her fault either because I did my previous mammography at a different medical centre so you would not record of anything in her file.

When the technologist positioned and compressed my breast between the plates, it was not so painful as before. Probably I am so use it by now or maybe my threshold for pain has increased after all. Ha!..Ha! OR…may the machine was new after all the technologist did tell me it was a new digital mammography machine.

When the radiologist informed me that I was fine, I gave one of biggest smile, grinning from ear to ear and radiantly told her “Thank You!”

I felt like celebrating but the entire episode had left me drained of energy. So I did the next best thing…I took a GOOD REST!