I'm so tired...Fatigue After Breast Cancer Treatment

I really feel exhausted very often. As the end of the week approaches, I practically have to drag myself to work. During weekends, I just want to hibernate at home. I even go to bed much earlier than I use to.

I have often read that fatigue related to breast cancer treatment can go on for year. But how long it takes to recovery………god only know!

Sometimes I just want to stay at home and do nothing. I not want to attend social gathering or even meet my friends for a cup of tea nor do I want to attend my toastmasters meetings. When I get to this stage I do a memory check on how many months it has been since the completion of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Oh my… 9 months have passed. I still feel tired and it gets in away of having a good day sometimes.

People do not understand that we cannot be expected to spring back right away into action, although we look healthy.

So to get around my fatigue I now privatize my activities and say NO to others!

Please have my seat.

Malaysians have ceased to be civic conscious when traveling on public transport. Why do I say this?

I spend almost 2 hours on the commuter train traveling to work every day. In the morning I get a place to seat but when I travel back home, I usually do not get a place because it is usually very packed like sardines

There are times on these long hours of journey, I get to witness the non courteous passengers. I see the elderly person or pregnant woman standing unable to seat because no one wants to give them their seat. The passengers seating are either pretending to be sleeping or reading when someone stands in front of them. I really get disgusted at the attitude of these people .I suppose what was drilled into our minds through our moral education when we were young has been forgotten by many i.e. give you seat up to a pregnant, elderly person or handicapped person. Although some mindful passengers do give up their seat by doing a good deed but most of them not.

Sometimes when I have a seat and want to offer it to someone, I remember vividly what my friend said to me last year “you have not gathered all your strength after the illness and you cannot be standing all the way home. Now think of your health first”.

So these days I ask myself… I am really tired or not. When I do give my seat to an elderly person or a pregnant woman, I feel proud of myself because there are so many healthy and young passengers and none of them want to give their seat away! And when I don’t it is because my well being matters a lot to me, in fact it comes FIRST even before doing a good deed!

Fear of Cancer knocking at the door again

My neighbor dropped by my house yesterday evening and her first sentence was “my sister-in-law has a relapse of breast cancer and is in hospital” (her sister- in-law is a 8 year old breast cancer survivor). My neighbor carried on by saying that her sister- in- law cannot move both her legs nor feel both her leg joints. The doctors are unable to find out the actual cause.

Prior to this, I had meet the sister- in- law at my neighhor's place at a Christmas dinner a year ago. When I looked at her then , I was really feeling good and glad because she has survived breast cancer for many years. She looked so normal and had an active lifestyle as any ordinary person.

When I heard my neighbor’s remark, I was upset. This fear is always on the back of my mind. Nor matter how I try to shut it into a drum and let it roll away, it some how creeps up and puts me off mood. I go into a short depression. Then iI call my friends who are breast cancer survivors…we will have a few laughs and I would feel much better.

I also ask myself often, “am I taking the right food and leading the right lifestyle”, so that I would be free of the Big C for the rest of my life.

During my treatment, I use to go to these Qi Gong exercise. Many of the ladies my age who breast cancer survivor themselves, had left their jobs to be homemakers.

I sometimes wonder have I jeopardized myself by going back to work, by eating everything……will cancer visit me again.

Maybe I should quit my job and just relax not to be caught in this web of hustle and bustle of a working life. I would not have to get up at 5 am to go to work and only get back by 7 pm. But wouldn’t that make me feel completely hopeless, slowly putting myself into a refrigerator… I do not even have kids or a husband to look after.

Oh! Relapse or reoccurrence…whatever it may be, I have concluded. Life is short!....I will enjoy it and cherish life as it is.

Hurray...... I am a better speaker

I am really elated beyond words as I have been placed as the 2nd Runners-up at the Toastmasters International District 51 Table Topic Contest which was held over the weekend. What a moral booster this is for me , to come out and less than a year of treatment to have won this award.

In front of an audience of 400 people i shared my experience of having breast cancer and how toastmasters have help me cope with it as the topic was "how toastmasters had an impact in your life"

After i finished the speech and every where i went, many people came and shook hands with me and congratulated me for a good speech. They said i had something very personal to share. I really felt like a celebrity then.

Now, it made me thinking that not everyone want to divulge the fact they had breast cancer. Why not ......I asked myself. I practically announce it to all and sundry that i had it. My friends tell me that, thats me and not everyone can be as open as i am.

Oh well i tend to deal with the situation by talking about it so often to many people. That is my remedy for overcome my adventure with breast cancer...ha...ha!

I know of many people who keep quite or do not want to reveal their condition as they say it is something they rather not talk or think back. I suppose it is our way of looking at things and how we want to encounter each situation we face.

I now realise i have so many things going for me after breast cancer because i want to ...and i and... only i can decide what i want.

I like to end with the same conclusion i ended my table topic speech with, "Smile and Life and
life will smile back at you."