My New Year Prayer

Strength to manage

... fear
... anger
... worry
... pain
... dryness
... diet
... exercise

To be blessed with plethora of

... love
... enjoyment
... pleasure
... peace
... happiness

My Mother Has Breast Cancer

My mother was diagnosed having breast cancer some weeks ago and had a mastectomy done last Friday.

It has been one hell of a journey for all of us especially for me!

It started like this...I have always pestered my mother to do her breast-self examination regularly. I had always been warned by my doctors about the high risk my first degree relatives having breast cancer and mammography should be done annually. Immediate family members would only include my mother as I have no sisters.

Several weeks ago my mother told me that she felt a lump on her right breast. She was reluctant to go for a mammography as wanted to wait but I insisted on it. So with much trepidation and heavy heart we embarked on the journey of tests and discovery. As Dr Saunthari Somasundaram of National Cancer Society who is my aunt, we immediately went to NCSM to have ultra sound and mammogram done. With heartfelt thanks to my aunt, lightening speed arrangements were made to meet other medical professionals as a suspicious lump was found. We went to Subang Jaya Medical Centre to get the biopsy was done by Dr Sumithra Ranganathan. Later, the report confirmed that the lump was cancerous and 6mm in size. And finally Prof Yip Cheng Har of University Malay Medical Centre, the same surgeon who did my mastectomy also did my mother’s op.

I was in an emotional and mental topsy-turvy and this is the first time after my own treatment I have been in such a stage of affairs. Oh god! It was walking through the scenes of memory again, just that this time around there was no element of the unknown! I had the mastectomy last February and this December my mother is having hers. Life really sucked then! Why must the damn cancer hit my family again!

I…I had to break the news to my mother. She took it amazingly calmer than I did. Being a religious person her famous words are “ …if one has to go through it then one has to…that is karma”. I of course, was unduly worried for her and put myself in a terrible stress. My mother is 62 years of age, married with 3 children and the years have seasoned her to take each encounter with more strength and will power to over come it.

I sourced around for survivors where the daughter was diagnosed first then the mother but could not find any. I suppose my mother and I are exception to the general rule!

I sent emails to my fellow survivors about my mother having BC, the people who really could understood what I was going through. Some of them replied and some called and in all of them I found abundance words of encouragement, support, assurance and prayers for everything to go well.

I realized how I handled my BC is different from how my mother would want to handle hers. After all we are two different individuals. My mother did not even want her siblings to know about her condition until the last week of her surgery. She said that she being the eldest in the family she did not want the family to be worried about her. When the family got to know they were in shock! They could not believe that my mother who is a vegetarian, a homemaker and leads a healthy lifestyle could have BC. Of course after the breaking news, she received all their support and love.

The table has been turned for me from a care receiver to a care giver. I spent the night beside my mom at the medical centre after her surgery. She was there for me and I reciprocated it. My mother is really progressing well and is in high spirit. Thank god for that. Well now we have become the family of lopsided females. Ha!...Ha!...Ha…!

They say life is a balance of sorrow and happiness. In the midst of this turbulence, my brother was blessed with a second baby boy, 2 days after my mother’s surgery. The new born baby… a symbol of life, joy, hope and renewed strength!

Family History of Breast Cancer

I had no history of breast cancer in my family and now that I survived breast cancer, I have started the family history. Ha!...Ha! In away, it has increased the risk for my family members developing breast cancer so more my first degree and my second degree relatives. My first degree relative will only be my mother and my second degree relatives who be my grandmother, aunties, cousins and nieces.

I came across this on What are the Risk Factors for Breast Cancer posted by American Cancer Societyhttp://www.cancer.org/ which states “Breast cancer risk is higher among women whose close blood relatives have this disease….. Having 1 first-degree relative (mother, sister, or daughter) with breast cancer approximately doubles a woman's risk”.

I must strongly advocate breast cancer examination among my relatives and to the older family members mammography.

OFF-BEAT AND OFF-MOOD

I have been off-beat and off-mood for the last 2 weeks. My chest cold has improved although I still have some remnants of it. It all started 3 months ago, I initially had lots of phlegm. The weather has been cold these past few weeks as it has been raining heavily almost every other day.

What more, my Tai Chi workouts are done outside on the open air in the cool mist. I now completely cover myself from toe to heat by wearing track bottoms, long sleeves T-shirt and a cap to cover my head. I have also been skipping some of the workouts due to all these reasons.

I have also stopped taking my concoction of juices (fruits & vegetables) in the mornings. Probably the “cooling” elements from the juices may have also contributed towards the phlegm.

Anyway my last visit to my doctor on this matter was, it has improved and my chest is clear. Thank god for that! At one point, I thought I might have the “C” in my lungs!

I also had to deal with other facet of lives beside my own. In this turn of event, one episode after another, I am somewhat emotionally and mentally drained.

I had also visit several medical centres in the Klang Valley recently as my father had an hernia operation and other medical conditions on the ear and neck that had to be treated. During this time, my own memories of hospitals paid me a visit.

Another realization hit me too. Will I live as old as my father to go through the other conditions of old age? Well! Time will tell!

MIM TOASTMASTERS CLUB OF PETALING JAYA, DeepaRaya Meeting

MIM Toastmasters Club of Petaling Jaya’s meeting on 1st November 2006 was a DeepaRaya meeting. Deviating from our normal meeting of table topics, humour and prepared speeches sessions, this meeting had the ambience of colour and custom. We also had several guests who came to the club for the first time. The Division C Governor, Ratnam and Area Governor C4 , Chuan too graced this meeting.

We, the members of the club, had a gala time celebrating our Deepavali and Hari Raya celebrations. A mist the glow from the kuttu vilakku (Indian lamp), the meeting was filled with air of festivity.

The Shah Hotel’s meeting room was decorated not only with the kuttu vilakku but also with kolam , ketupats , sarongs and greetings cards. Some members also came in wonderful traditional costumes of salwar kameez, kurta, sari, kebaya and baju melayu. Whereas, the rest brought with them the spirit of celebration. Our long lost member Syed, gave us a surprise with his presence…handsomely dressed.

The toastmaster of the evening Ishaq, took the meeting to an exciting start. Invocation was done by Hong who talked about lion king and introduced Hakuna Matata(where the heart lies). Club’s president Bruce immediately said that Hakuna Matata will be the theme of the club for this term.

The meeting started of with a record of 3 new members Sharmini, Wendy and Wei Chung oozing with enthusiasm to kick start their career in public speaking and all of them did well in their maiden performance in the ice breaker speeches. This was followed by Yeoh with a speech from the advanced manual. Ishaq ticked our funny bones with some quick humour.

That concluded the first half of the meeting. Then it was refreshment time. We indulged in array of delicious food contributed by not only Hindu and Muslim members but other members as well. We had mee goreng, kuih-muih, keropok, spicy chicken, Indian sweetmeats, muruku and vadai. As were we enjoying the food and mingling, our games show master Chrisie reminded us to be ready for the more fun.

Chrisie divided us into two groups with the names of Toasters and Idlers. Gina was leader of Toasters and I was the leader of Idlers. The games included, charade, Oscar winner, Romeo & Juliet , and another hilarious game of husband and wife. The last, was each group had to sing the club’s anthem with their own words. Members had a swing time, some displaying their talents in drama and acting and others laughing their heads off at the antics of members. The clubs’ anthem was composed and sung within minutes. The Toasters were declared the winners.

Before we called it a day, we had the gift exchange session. Then the exhilarating meeting came to an end.

Below is the extract of President Bruce’s mail of the event:

[[ The ladies came in resplendent in their saris, Gina, Valli, Sharmini, Bathma and Chrisie. The man came out second best with Jaya in a very handsome Indian outfit and not to be outdone our veteran Syed came in an equally handsome baju melayu. The decorations immaculate with a colourful kolam painstakingly done by the ladies. For those who missed out on last night wonderful meeting and fellowship, I believe the photos would be posted on either Valli's Blog or our own website.

We had three icebreakers or done in superb fashion and Yeo T K attempting a role playing assignment trying to sell something to someone who doesn't know that he needs it yet. He chosed a difficult customer in Dr. Khong. Good to have Yeo T K attempting his assignment, almost a year after his last.

Best speaker went to Sharmini.... She really surprised me with her age. She looked so much younger......

Fellowship was great with gifts exchanged. The gameshow master, Chrisie Tan was at her best, drawing out the potential acting and singing talents from our members.

Great nite of fun, laughter and fellow ship. Keep up the euphoria.

Hakuna Matata (Our theme for the year)

Bruce Chan ]]

Here are photos which will paint pictures of the excitement and camaraderie!

[Smiles of the members and guests]

[Ishaq, Gina, Valli, Chrisie, Sharmini,Jaya and Bathma in the tradisional costumes]

[Gina briefing her team the TOASTERS]

[Game show master Chrisie watches Syed and Carol as they act in the drama]

[Club president Bruce welcoming members and guest]

[ I briefing my team Idlers on club's athem]

[Prepared project speakers eagerly waiting for thier presentations]

[Veera and guest in the Romeo & Juliet with a twist storyline]

[Chuan, Dr Khong and guest from the Toasters singing the club's athem]

[I must thank my colleagues for coming with the idea of the kolam. They provided the coloured rice, design and did the most of preparation. I just put it all togehter and the ladies of the club put the final touches to it. Wahlah! The kolam formed in less than 20 minutes]

[Members and guests]

MIM TOASTMASTERS CLUB OF PETALING JAYA MEETS AT: SHAH'S VILLAGE HOTEL, PETALING JAYA EVERY 2ND & 4TH WEDNESDAYS OF THE MONTH

Love My Life. BSE, I have it!

Early this month, I shared my experience as a cancer survivor at the Pink October Campaign with the theme “Love My Life- BSE, I Have It” by Malaysian lingerie brand Xixili. The BSE Awareness campaign was held at Xixili Boutique at 1 Utama Shopping Complex.

I had a small crowd of 20 people this time around but amazingly the audience were interactive. I had lots of questions asked about breast cancer and after the talk I had ladies come up to ask about menopausal issues!

Xixili has introduced the BSE calendar cards as reminder to women to conduct monthly self-examinations.


Presentation Corner in the Boutique

A unique experience of presentation among sexy mannequins and ladies lingerie! Some shoppers were coming in and going out during presentation oblivious to what was going on. Some came in but shied away quickly thinking they may have to buy something.

Xixili Boutique

Xixili Boutique decorated with pink ballon in a heart shape. There was also booths outside the Botique with free trials on breast dummy to discover and how to check and detect breast lump. Talks on breast health were also presentated by other speakers

Below are two photos taking on the tropical rainforest at 1 Utama. I must admit I truly admired the lush greenery with many species of flora and fauna. It was a good ambience of having a forest and colourful fishes amidst cafes and restaurants.


Rainforest at 1 Utama Shopping Complex

Deepavali-The Festival of Lights

I really enjoyed my Deepavali this year binging on forbidden food to some but mouth-watering to me.

This year the Festival of Lights celebration was a real family affair. All of us in the family were tied down with work so we decided on a family celebration for a change. We did not extend invitation to friends as the previous years. Only my uncles and their families visited us. The rest of the holidays were spent resting and enjoying the festive atmosphere.

As for food, we were woke up to the aroma of mother’s delicious cooking on Deepavali. After the customary oil bath and going to the temple, we indulged in mother’s cuisine of chicken kurma, mutton curry and briyani rice. Adding on to this, we suddenly had lots of variety of Indian sweetmeats and guess what!...I enjoyed them in abundance. Not to forget the muruku and other Indian palagarams (traditional tidbits). As some of the family members were vegeterians, mother had also prepared idli, vadai, sambar and chillie chutney. The briyani too was prepared in a vegeterian style with vegetable kurma and oninons & cucumber yoghurt salad ( raita) to go along with it.

Festive Cookies

Some of the Indian palagarams that were served and which I truly enjoyed! Made from rice flour, ghee, lots of sugar, almonds etc.

A Part of My Deepavali Meal

Yummp! Briyani rice (basmati rice), spicy mutton curry, chicken kurma. It is does not look delicious...then I must improve my photography skills!

Of course, somewhere behind my head, I heard an echo saying “be careful…all these festive food are oily, fatty, meaty and sweetie.” But then I was happily and enthusiastically savouring the Deepavali specialties…after all it is Deepavali, a time for celebration and merriment. I put aside the breast cancer issue and celebrated Deepavali the Malaysian way!

I also revisited childhood when I played fire crackers which I bought for my 2 year old nephew. Well, we need to add sparkle to our lives and what better way then to see the colourful sparks on the clear night sky.

And guess what? The following day, for first time in my life, I went saw a movie at TVG a day after Deepavali. Although it was not a tamil movie I saw the “PRESTIGE”. Wow! And I really enjoyed the magic in it.

This year was within family and next year i think, i will invite friends and throw a party. After all every DEEPAVALI ust be different, unique and memorial.

Pink October-The Malaysian Awareness

A thought came to me two days ago that made me eager to find out how many ladies knew that October is a Breast Cancer Awareness Month. So I sent mails, asked colleagues, friends and some total strangers whether they were aware that it the Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I also got some friends to ask their colleagues too.

About 50 ladies were asked. The verdict majority of them are not aware of the Pink October. That does not sound good at actually. I remember reading an article early this month stating that not many Malaysian realize this symbolic month. It clears shows there are a lot more needed to be done in creating awareness.

I know there are various activities and campaign to create public awareness being initiated by various bodies including the radio stations, magazines, manufacturers and distributors of beauty products and women apparels, hospitals and medical centres. Others have also come out with their products in the pink colour, participating outlets are giving away goodie bags, discount voucher and insurance companies have launched new schemes for female related diseases.

Proceeds from the various activities among others, charity auction, charity golf, charity walk are being donated to the various cancer related organizations. In addition, some organizations are also subsidizing or sponsoring mammography for the lower income group.

At the road shows and public forums educational talk, breast self examination demonstration, free consultations are some of the important agendas. I, myself have participated at these forums where a survivor is called to share her experience.

To be frank, I can’t remember whether I knew of Pink October before my encounter with breast cancer. Many may not be aware of it but I know more Malaysians are aware of breast cancer more than ever now compared to a few years ago.

CROWNING GLORY

My friend’s mother-in-law who is 66 years old has been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. The doctors have begun treatment by administering chemotherapy first. She has completed her first cycle of chemo and is experiencing hair loss. My friend told me she was very disturbed my this. At this juncture, I decided it was a good time to visit her.

I shared my experience of my “chemo days’. I told her when I started to experience hair loss, I knew I would not be stand the sight of my thick black mane coming off in strands gradully until there is not hair left on my head. In fact it was rather disturbing to see my hair in clumps in the hair brush. It really did undermine ones femininity and image. As I have read about some women shaving their head, I decided to go bald too! Anyway, being a Hindu it is auspicious to shave ones head for fulfilling a vow or receiving a blessing from GOD.

I had decided to go Batu Caves in the pretext of religious pilgrimage to shave my hair then. And so, I went all the way to Batu Caves, one early morning after my first chemo to have my hair ceremonious removed! After that, this year, I once again shaved my hair during Thaipusam at Batu Caves as an offering of thanks to Lord Murugan.

After becoming bald, it took time to getting use to seeing my reflection on the mirror and assuring myself that it still is the same old me with just a different look! I only used a scarf and that to only when I went out of the house, I wasn’t in favour of a wig because, I am quite clumsy and if in did not put it on properly I would look like a clown! NOW…I have cut my hair so short that men have longer hair style then me. Anyway, my friends say I look more stylish now and I DO…Ha!...Ha!

I also told my friend’s mother-in-law, the hair loss on the head will also be followed by hair loss from other parts of the body. I quickly also assured her everything will grow back after completion of treatment. She listened calmly to my encounters and my experiences with breast cancer. After hearing all that I had to say, she said she would think about shaving her mane. I know she would need time to think about it and she can only do so when she is really comfortable with the thought of being bald. After all a woman’s beautiful mane is her crowning glory and it is not easy to be without it.

Investing in Family Ties

I finally made a trip to Singapore. People who knew about the trip asked whether I was going for a holiday. I replied that I was going to see my 80 year old paternal granduncle and his family…because that was the main reason I went across the border.

I had two events to attend to relating to breast cancer and yet I choose to make the trip. This trip is so long overdue as I have not visited by father’s side of the relatives for more than a decade. After the treatment, I told myself that I must see my relatives whom I have not seen for a long time. I have gone back to work for a year and yet I had not made this trip which is just about 4 hours away from home.

During my childhood we use to spend a lot of time with my granduncle’s family during the school holidays. Either they would come down or we would go there. But as the years passed and everyone got in the maze of working world, the visits stopped.

Only when something happens do we receive a wake up call and we cherish family ties. And so I made every attempt to take this trip. In the end I am truly glad I made it.

Coincidentally when I was in Singapore, I came across this passage from a book I was reading, “There are too many treasures in life we take for granted, the worth of which we don’t fully realize until they’re pointed out to us in some unexpected ways.”

As I write this, I realize how we do not invest in relationships. Yes, we do invest our time and money for career, recreational pursuits, sports, financial stability but we seldom invest in the emotionally aspect of family bond. One’s family is the bed of love, comfort and security but then we take our family for granted.

Although I have spoken to my relatives on the phone but it is not the same as spending time with them, having meals with them and catching up for all the years missed.

On this trip I also met my grand uncle’s the first great grand daughter who is a year old. Wow! I witnessed four generations of people! That's what makes this trip unique.

I like to share some photos of Singapore….and I did go to Sentosa Island with my parents after all. Ah…Ah! But couldn't do much other sight seeing as it was raining most of the time.

Sentosa Island- Cable Car View

What a feeling it was to look down at the ocean from a cable car. My thought was hopefully I reach the island quickly...I came out of cancer and I do not want to end at the bottom of the ocean!

Underwater World



Oceanarium, home to more than 2,500 fishes from 250 different species. The ocean depths via a moving travellator that ferries you through an 83-metre-long acrylic tunnel. All around you, sharks, stingrays, eels and schools of fish glide past – engrossed in their own world. I really liked the fishes full of bright colours on them reminds me of how our lifes are can be colourful too.

Sentosa Island- Sentosa 4D Magix

Sentosa 4D Magix is southest Asia's largest 4D theatre! It was really engaging all my senses...like a real life adventure!

Sentosa Island- Images of Singapre

All about how the founding fathers from Singapore's four main ethic group forged a nation.It was a great walk through history...no wonder it has won many awards.

The Sentosa Island trip ended just it time before a down pour. The next day we went around Singapore, as it was drizzling, we enjoyed the many beautiful views from the car.

As I was on the Causeway, I concluded that I had a fabulous time surrounded by abundance of affection, warm hospitality and great satisfaction that I spent marvellous time with my relatives.

Breast Cancer Awareness Through One Voice

I represented NCSM to give a presentation on Saturday at the Expo Cintai Malaysia. SKIVA a women’s undergarment fashion brand is in a rebranding exercise. They had a soft launch of SKIVA’s new brand concept at the 6th Malaysia International Trade & Consumer Fair, 6-10 September 2006 at PWTC, KL.

SKIVA had showcases of the contemporary undergarment display, fashion shows, lucky draws and others. Also in conjunction with the cancer month in October, another the highlight of the event was the “Breast Cancer Awareness Through One Voice” campaign in collaboration with the government representatives from Kementerian Kesihatn Malaysia, Hospital Seberang Jaya and NGOs like MAKNA, NCSM, UMMC and others. Educational talks, BSE demonstrations, free consultations and a Charity Drive were held to help raise awareness on breast cancer during this campaign. SKIVA also donated prosthesis starter kits to various organizations.

The various topics on education talks were breast cancer, bra fitting, breast feeding, cancer or not is your choice, early treatment of breast cancer, perspective of cancer survivor, living through cancer and early detection of breast cancer.

I, of course spoke on “Perspective of Cancer Survivor”. I shared my experience from the point of diagnosed to surgery, treatment, recovery and living beyond breast cancer. I spoke for about 30 minutes.

As a toastmaster this is my first experience speaking in a booth layout at an exhibition.
When I started there were less than 10 people. Oh no! I told myself the show must go on. As I progressed the 30 chairs was filled up and later I saw a lot of people standing at the back and listening to me. Wow! I must have really enhanced to public speaking skills to pull the crowd! Ha…Ha! When I finished many came up to me and said what a motivating speech that was. I was really elated. Further some came to share their experiences of how their loved ones had breast cancer or had a scare of it

As I concluded my speech, my message was BSE and if there are any abnormalities on the breast, to have it checked immediately.

I must applaud SKIVA for inviting speakers from various organizations to promote the theme and to use this opportunity to create more awareness among members of the public.

I am also glad I went to the exhibition, because SKIVA also has come up with some newly designed mastectomy bras. I placed an order immediately and what important shopping that was. Just in time too, as I need to do some shopping for them anyway.

All in all I had a great day, enriched by the new exposure, experience and truly motivated.

WOW! A YEAR ALREADY

I just realized that it has been a year since I started work after completing my treatments. I came back to work 1 September 2005. Wow! Oh my…how time flies!

I sat back and asked myself how do I feel now?

Oh! First I told myself I must state the finer points…my accomplishments!

For the first time, I got interviewed by the Health & Beauty magazine, just as I got back to work last year. That was a really moral booster timely just as I started on the job after 6 months of absences. Then the magazine organized a breast cancer awareness month and invited me along with another survivor to share our experiences. That was the first sharing presentation I did in front of a group over 100 people.

For the first time, I took part in a fashion show at KLCC organized by the NCSM for their cancer awareness month last year. I really enjoyed myself. My first exposure in modeling. Ironically I did modeling only when I had one breast! Ha…Ha!

For the first time, I became the 2nd Runners Up for the Toastmasters International District 51, Table Topic Contest, early this year. I still am truly elated.

For the first time, I have my own blog, to share my thoughts and my experiences. Hurray!

For the first time, I have a very short hair style and intent to keep it that way. For someone who did not dream of having a short hair when the hair used be to kept so long, this is definitely a changed stylish person!

My emotional development, I have become more tolerant. However at the same time I have become a bit selfish…I come first, my health and my well being is my priority. I was quite when I came back to office but now I am usual vocal self to some extent. When I encounter an obstacle or difficult situation, I tell myself…”Come on you have overcome cancer, what can more terrible and challenging then that!” I do not give two hoods what the society thinks. It is my life and I will live the way I choose to do so. No risk, not gain!


My negativism …

Same old life of getting up at 5 am, and traveling about 1 ½ hours to go to work and another 1 ½ traveling back home in the packed commuter trains. I feel sometimes I don’t have quality of life at all.

I have not started volunteering work as a volunteer with Klang General Hospital or with Hospice Klang. I cannot bring myself to visit hospital and to speak to patients. Oh well not yet!

Depression when i hear some one dying of cancer or hearing someone has recurrence of cancer. Worried whether I will get cancer again. Will I live to see this and that in years to come.

My diet, am I eating the right food and a balance diet? Every time I eat something different…somewhere at the back of my mind is this question. During working days I buy food at the eateries as I cannot bring food from home, not that I have any choice!

The world sucks! Pardon me for my language. Life does not become easy or smooth sailing just because I had cancer. I still have to deal with life's challenges and every day stress- traveling, work, relationships, people, diet, finance etc.

Every slight pain, numbness or any reaction to my body…my first reaction…”Oh! Oh! Is the cancer back?”

Some memory lapses now and then…but then I have always been absent minded. I even forget to eat my tamixofen sometimes!

Then I concluded sitting straight on my chair with a radiant smile, life must go on and it's up to me how I want to play the song of life.

Feeling Helpless

My immune system must be really all time low. I have been suffering from a very bad cough for the past week. I couldn't sleep peacefully at nights even with the doctor’s medicine. This is the first time after completing a year of treatment that I am suffering so long with a chest cough. The condition of the weather and the haze has further aggravated the situation.

During the past week ,I also had to deal with issue of my Indonesian cleaner Jamila. She comes to clean the house once a week. Some weeks ago while I was at work, my mother called to tell me that Jamila spoke about her breast being swollen. I immediately spoke to her and told her to make an appointment with a doctor and to do a mammography. Of course she did not do so because during this time she had met with an accident and was hospitalised. Since she was in hospital I told her to tell the doctors about the breast being swollen. But again she did not follow my advice.

Since she had recovered from the accident, she came to my house last Wednesday. She told my mother that there are two lumps on her breast. My mother called me in my office and I got to know that Jamila could not stand the pain so she went and finally did a mammography done in a medical centre. The medical centre informed herthat she needs for an operation done to remove the lumps and told her to go to the general hospital for further examination. I am yet to see the mammography report.

I tried to convince her to go the general hospital. But she is adamant that she is quite happy with the traditional medicine she is taking and she claims she has seen a lot of people recovering from all kind of diseases from taking the traditional herbs. I was really annoyed with her when I heard this. Moreover she said she has no money for the operation nor has she got anyone here to take care of her. Then I told her it is best she goes back to Indonesia soonest possible to seek treatment. She said after she completes the cycle of the traditional medicine only then she would go back to Indonesia.

I called jamila again today to find out how she is doing. She said she is feeling much better! Ah! She said is afraid of the operation as she may die. Hei! I told her I had the operation and I am still alive!

I am really upset and worried for her. But looks like the amount of convincing I have done is not enough! I fell truly helpless when someone around me could have breast cancer and I cannot do anything about it. Well I finally told myself that is only so much I can do and the rest must be left to ones' individual fate!

Tai Chi

When I read about articles or books on living beyond breast cancer, I usually come across the following sentence “…exercising increases the survival rate….”. And guess what! It is not just some minutes of exercise a week but it must be done for more than 3 hours or more a week. What a tall order indeed!

When I finished my treatment and started going back to work, I told myself I should at least try to do brisk walking for half an hour at least 3 days a week. But resolutions can always be made and not followed!

As the months went by I realized that I have not been able to find time to do much brisk walking. By the time I get home, drop everything and start walking around the field near my house it is already dark and I will be making my rounds alone. Walking at night has become dangerous with the increase of the snatch thieves.

As I walk, I began so alert of my surroundings especially to sound of motorbikes. Instead of distressing and I get more stressed! So I starting going for the walks only if I reach home early that is not many days in a week. With less exercise, I become more tired… not in mood for many things icluding having FUN!

I decided to do something about it, after reading the newly acquired books from US. Suddenly from no way I had this realization that there was Tai Chi sessions conducted in the same field where I walk and my friend has been with this group for many years. I finally got myself motivated and joined the Tai Chi group. The sessions are from 8pm to 9 pm, Mondays to Thursdays.

I read that Tai Chi is a traditional Chinese mind body relaxation exercise that can help achieve a balanced body and mind. The gliding movements/gentle exercise of the Tai Chi, helps to reduce stress and train the mind to still itself even in action.

Well I have been going for the past 2 weeks to these sessions, I am enjoying it so far, feel good and energetic. I shall endeavor to progress in my new project.

Consent To Being Interviewed

I was referred by a friend to an international cosmetics company for an interview. The Company wanted to interview some breast cancer survivors from Malaysia as they intend to produce a documentary to promote breast cancer month worldwide.

First, when I heard about this, I was really excited because now I will have a chance to appear around the globe! But the representative from the Company told me that I had to sign a Testimonial Consent and Release Letter. I was surprised at this request but nevertheless asked the representative to fax me the letter.

I read the letter and found that I would have to consent to the following clauses:

• ... to use my personal statement/comment without compensation and my photograph, can be used in brochures, flyers, print advertisement, electronic media and any form of digital means
• This consent is granted for an undefined period
• ... Company has the right to amend, change, revise or re-arrange the whole or part of my testimony.
  

Being a lawyer myself, I found the above clauses to be unfair and unreasonable. I was not happy with the clauses especially clauses 2 & 3. After consulting some friends, I was told that some of these clauses were standard clauses in Consent Letters but they also told me not to give the interview if i was uncomfortable with the clauses.

After giving some thought (I was only given 4 hours to decide), I decline the offer. Yep, it would be really great to appear on the international level but not with the above constraints, one must be happy of being interviewed!

BOOKS…BOOKS…BOOKS

My aunt is down in KL from the US. I had asked her to get for me 2 books on breast cancer. But she and my cousin went on a hunting spree for books. They not only got for me the two books I wanted but also several other books! There were also 2 books on breast cancer and humor. I am really so thankful to them for sourcing the books, anyway what are loved ones for…ha!... ha!

The related books on breast cancer are:
- A Dietitian’s Cancer Story by Diana Dyer
- Dancing With Fear by Leila Peltosaari

- I’d Rather Do Chemo Than Out The Garage by Fan Di Giacomo
- Humor After The Tumor by Patty Gelman

Before the above books came into my collection I was also given by loved ones the following books

- Dr Susan Love’s Breast Cancer by Susan M Love
- Living Beyond Breast Cancer by Marisa C Weiss

Looks like I can have my very own collection of books on breast cancer. I can’t wait to read the newly acquired books especially the ones with humor!

Oh! Something just crossed my mind. All the above books were purchased outside Malaysia. Book distributors and retailers in Malaysia should consider having more books related on breast cancer on their shelves so that the people could have immediate access and obtain important information from these books. Then, there would be more informed patients who are diagnosed with cancer. Of course the internet is also a good source of information provided many people can have access to it. The more informed and aware the patient and her love ones are, the better it is for treatment and recovery.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, the next day I was in the National Cancer Society of Malaysia, reading some of the books. One book in particular (I cannot remember the name now) was a compilation of all the experiences and heroic stories of breast cancer survivors. After reading this book, I had more confidence,encouragement, motivation and was more aware of what was to come and how to manage the surgery and treatment. I had also printed a lot of reading materials from the internet and had read them as I had more than a week from being diagnosed to surgery. All these knowledge gained really prepared me better to handle my breast cancer.

UMMC Breast Cancer Resource Centre

I was invited to visit the UMMC Breast Cancer Resource Centre by the surgeon who examined me when I went for my quarterly check up last Wednesday. She informed me that it was situated at the 6th Floor, Menara Utama, University Malay Medical Centre and it is also equipped with books and reading materials on breast cancer. I remember reading about the opening ceremony of the Resource Centre a couple of months ago. As I was in a hurry to get back to work that day, I was unable to pay a visit to the Resource Centre. I should make an attempt to stopover, the next time I am at UMMC. It is really helpful to the patients to have access to resource centres in hospitals as this will enable them to be an informed patient while undergoing diagnosis, treatment and recuperating. Family members of patients would also benefit from it.

Going back to UMMC for follow ups can sometimes be a trial itself. It always turns back time and brings back memories. This time around I had to pass by the oncology department and a flashbacks evaded me for a couple of seconds as I walked passed the the department.

I had a short chat with the soft spoken surgeon as I had met her in a workshop on breast cancer organized by a health magazine sometime late last year. She had my mammography report with her and said I was fine. I was also informed that UMMC has implemented e-prescription and the doctor just has to key in the information on-line and the pharmacy will have the prescription ready.After the chat I went to the pharmacy and immediately collected my tamixofin. Wow! I was really impressed as I did not have to wait at all the pharmacy to collect my supply.

I left UMMC rather pleased with myself as everything was concluded quickly on this visit.

Style and Strength

The Breast Cancer Welfare Association (BCWA) organized a hi-tea for newly breast cancer survivors at the Sunway Resort Hotel & Spa last Sunday.

About 20 women, most of them in their late thirties and forties attended the buffet lunch. I was really amazed to see a lot of young people in their thirties who have just finished their treatment. There was a survivor who is only 32 years old. Looks like more and more young people in their thirties are being diagnosed with breast cancer. And here… I thought at 40 years, I would be one of the youngest!

All of us came dressed informal but in style. In fact I am sure none of the other patrons would have guessed that we are breast cancer survivors.

While we indulged and enjoyed the array of delicious food, we were all eager to pour out our unique experiences, challenges that we faced, diet, the support from loved ones and friends. And finally we all shared and agreed to the fact we have come out of this saga with renewed strength!

There were also members of BCWA who could not join us as they were involved in the Dragon Boat Race held in conjunction with the water carnival at Putrajaya. I am sure the survivors would have displayed sheer strength and power to the spectators there.

Style and Strength… that is us the breast cancer survivors.

Mammography

I went for my mammography last week. It had been a year since I did the last one and discovered the malignant lump on my left breast. It brought back a whole lot of memories. I was not looking forward to it at all but then I did not have much choice, did I! Even when I had to wait for my turn to have the mammography done, I felt a terrible uneasiness at the bottom of my stomach. This statement kept on appearing in my thoughts, “What happens if they find a damn lump!”

When I entered the radiology room, I was asked by the technologist whether I have done this before. In the state of mind I was in I gave her a sarcastic reply, “I have only one breast you know”. She politely said she knew I had breast cancer and told me to get ready for the test. I suppose it was not her fault either because I did my previous mammography at a different medical centre so you would not record of anything in her file.

When the technologist positioned and compressed my breast between the plates, it was not so painful as before. Probably I am so use it by now or maybe my threshold for pain has increased after all. Ha!..Ha! OR…may the machine was new after all the technologist did tell me it was a new digital mammography machine.

When the radiologist informed me that I was fine, I gave one of biggest smile, grinning from ear to ear and radiantly told her “Thank You!”

I felt like celebrating but the entire episode had left me drained of energy. So I did the next best thing…I took a GOOD REST!

Insensitive Advertisement

On my way to work one morning early this week, I heard an advertisement being aired by one of the local radio stations.

The ad is by one of the local banks promoting their insurance products for women.

The ad starts with a woman in a such a pathetic voice saying “I have cervical cancer”. Then a man voice follows with no emotions, “We found a lump in your breast. The tumor is malignant”. This is followed again by the woman’s voice which could be heard saying, “Who says it is easy being a woman. We should protect ourselves before anything happens.” Then the ad concludes by saying the listeners should get insurance to protect themselves.

I have survived breast cancer, now being a survivor I get irritated with this kind of ads. Firstly the ad is so pathetic and demoralizing. You can only protect yourself financially with insurance but you cannot protect yourself from cancer! What more you cannot buy insurance once diagnosed with cancer.

May be I thought I was being over sentimental, so I asked two colleagues if they have heard of the ad and what they thought of it. One of them said the ad was good as it reminded woman that they should get insurance and there are products to cover women related diseases. But then she added on by saying she was looking it from the view point of advertising and security.

On the other hand, my other colleague said it was bad taste to air it early in the morning and it depicted women are bound to have a cervical or breast cancer. I totally agree with her.

Yes, it is a good reminder that women should seriously consider insurance coverage but at the same token the advertisers should be more sensitive to contents and air time of such ads.

Is There Life After Cancer?Looking Good & Feeling Great.

I had a very interesting morning last Saturday. I was called to share my experience as a cancer survivor at the Malaysian Dietitians Association Scientific Conference 2006 . It was held at Sunway Lagoon Resort Hotel. The theme of the conference was Cancer Care: Team Approach Towards Optimum Nutrition And Quality of Life.

The last session for the conference was sharing of experiences by 4 breast cancer survivors. We had about 100 odd audience listening to us at this concurrent session.

The first speaker was Ms Siti Shariah Hj Shaari. She is one amazing woman who has survived breast cancer and now is under going treatment for ovarian cancer. She spoke on “My Journey- A Personal Experience of a Breast Cancer Survivor”. She showed grit by making it to the conference all by her own and displayed a wonderful zest for life!

This was followed by Ms Adeline Joseph of the National Cancer Society, Malaysia. Her presentation was titled “The Role of Cancer Support Group” . I am so thankful to her because she was my support during my treatment. She is a breast cancer survivor for the last 11 years with a pleasant and cheery countenance.

I was the third speaker. I was called in to replace the original speaker who was not well.

The last speaker was Ms Dee Sidhu from Amanita, Malaysia who spoke on “Lessons Learned- A Dietitian’s Reflection After Cancer”. I am truly astonished that she can juggle so many responsibilities in her busy schedule of business, family, training and voluntary work. And what more she is a breast cancer survivor filled with energy and enthusiasm.

I spoke on “Is There Life After Cancer? Looking Good and Feeling Great.” I was really excited when I was given the opportunity because this is the first time I have spoken at a scientific conference!

I spoke on the following:
•OUTLOOK TO LIFE
- Love & Cherish Life, What Matters Most In Life, Inner Strength
•ADDITIONAL CARE BEYONG TREATMENT
- Continuing Care, Reconstruction, Tamoxifen Therapy
•COPING WITH LINGERING SIDE EFFECTS
- Fatigue & Loss of Energy, Arm Lymphedema, Other Side Effects
•CARING FOR MY NEW SELF
- I Come First, Diet, Exercise, Relationships, Breast Self Examination,
A Child In Future, Support Group, Career
•CELEBRATING LIFE
- Birthdays, Celebrations and Merriments, Holidays, Hobbies
•Living Beyond Breast Cancer
- To live with renewed zest for life!!

We had a panel discussion in the end of the session. Many of the participants came up and said how they admired us the survivors for coming and sharing their personal experiences.

I like what one of them said, “the session was one of the best sessions in this conference as this was the only session that allowed for real life facts and personal touch by survivors.”

After the presentations, there was this one participant who came to me and said that all of us are so lucky to have all support and love. Not ever one is lucky as we are.

Yap, I suppose we are lucky for the tremendous support we received from family, friends and anyone who came our way. I for one am thankful to God for that.

Juices and Rabbit Food!

I have been snacking on “rabbit food” when I am in the office. Yap…that is what my colleagues call the slices of cucumber, carrot, capsicum, celery, lettuce and tomatoes that I eat in the office.

I have been reminded to have a balance diet and to drink a lot of juices. That is why when I got back to office after recovering from breast cancer, I started eating fresh vegetables and more variety of fruits daily.

At the beginning, I was very diligent and use eat them every other day in the office and drink the juices when at home over the weekend. Then after few months of eating capsicum, it aggravated my heartburn. So now I do not eat them so often. I also had to visit the dentist because some of the fillings in the teeth came out! This is due to eating some of the rabbit food raw, which is of hard texture. Then…. I became lazy. I did not eat my rabbit food that often nor did I make the juices over the weekend

Every time I skipped eating my rabbit food or drinking my juices, I got worried. I felt I am losing on the antioxidant, vitamins, minerals, live enzymes and other important elements. Then what some breast cancer survivors told me some time ago flashes across me…"I always take juices everyday before leaving for work"…..

I finally brought a new juicer to office this week after procrastinating for so long. Since I come very early to work I decided I might as well use the time to make my vegetable or fruit juices instead of reading the newspapers. I do not have to eat them raw but can juice and gulp them. It is so easy but then, there is the cleaning up to do. YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT!

Satay For Dinner. Charred Food?

Yesterday for dinner, I could not refrain myself from eating chicken satay( slices of meat on bamboo skewers, which are grilled on charcoal fire). I use to crave for it often, eating drowned with kuah kacang (peanuat gravy).

After breast cancer, I have been told by may well wishes that I should not take charred/ grilled or food which is barbequed as it contains carcinogenic particles.

A quick search on the internet on this issue and this phrase often appeared “.....some evidence that large amount of charred food may cause cancer, the evidence is not conclusive.....”.

So yesterday, I peeled off the charred portion of the meat an enjoyed the balance of, dipping in the peanut gravy. YUMMY!

Anyway it not often that I indulge myself like this. Life has to go on, food has to be enjoyed.

And guess what!After all this I had fish burger for lunch. Ah….Ah……AH!

I'm so tired...Fatigue After Breast Cancer Treatment

I really feel exhausted very often. As the end of the week approaches, I practically have to drag myself to work. During weekends, I just want to hibernate at home. I even go to bed much earlier than I use to.

I have often read that fatigue related to breast cancer treatment can go on for year. But how long it takes to recovery………god only know!

Sometimes I just want to stay at home and do nothing. I not want to attend social gathering or even meet my friends for a cup of tea nor do I want to attend my toastmasters meetings. When I get to this stage I do a memory check on how many months it has been since the completion of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Oh my… 9 months have passed. I still feel tired and it gets in away of having a good day sometimes.

People do not understand that we cannot be expected to spring back right away into action, although we look healthy.

So to get around my fatigue I now privatize my activities and say NO to others!

Please have my seat.

Malaysians have ceased to be civic conscious when traveling on public transport. Why do I say this?

I spend almost 2 hours on the commuter train traveling to work every day. In the morning I get a place to seat but when I travel back home, I usually do not get a place because it is usually very packed like sardines

There are times on these long hours of journey, I get to witness the non courteous passengers. I see the elderly person or pregnant woman standing unable to seat because no one wants to give them their seat. The passengers seating are either pretending to be sleeping or reading when someone stands in front of them. I really get disgusted at the attitude of these people .I suppose what was drilled into our minds through our moral education when we were young has been forgotten by many i.e. give you seat up to a pregnant, elderly person or handicapped person. Although some mindful passengers do give up their seat by doing a good deed but most of them not.

Sometimes when I have a seat and want to offer it to someone, I remember vividly what my friend said to me last year “you have not gathered all your strength after the illness and you cannot be standing all the way home. Now think of your health first”.

So these days I ask myself… I am really tired or not. When I do give my seat to an elderly person or a pregnant woman, I feel proud of myself because there are so many healthy and young passengers and none of them want to give their seat away! And when I don’t it is because my well being matters a lot to me, in fact it comes FIRST even before doing a good deed!

Fear of Cancer knocking at the door again

My neighbor dropped by my house yesterday evening and her first sentence was “my sister-in-law has a relapse of breast cancer and is in hospital” (her sister- in-law is a 8 year old breast cancer survivor). My neighbor carried on by saying that her sister- in- law cannot move both her legs nor feel both her leg joints. The doctors are unable to find out the actual cause.

Prior to this, I had meet the sister- in- law at my neighhor's place at a Christmas dinner a year ago. When I looked at her then , I was really feeling good and glad because she has survived breast cancer for many years. She looked so normal and had an active lifestyle as any ordinary person.

When I heard my neighbor’s remark, I was upset. This fear is always on the back of my mind. Nor matter how I try to shut it into a drum and let it roll away, it some how creeps up and puts me off mood. I go into a short depression. Then iI call my friends who are breast cancer survivors…we will have a few laughs and I would feel much better.

I also ask myself often, “am I taking the right food and leading the right lifestyle”, so that I would be free of the Big C for the rest of my life.

During my treatment, I use to go to these Qi Gong exercise. Many of the ladies my age who breast cancer survivor themselves, had left their jobs to be homemakers.

I sometimes wonder have I jeopardized myself by going back to work, by eating everything……will cancer visit me again.

Maybe I should quit my job and just relax not to be caught in this web of hustle and bustle of a working life. I would not have to get up at 5 am to go to work and only get back by 7 pm. But wouldn’t that make me feel completely hopeless, slowly putting myself into a refrigerator… I do not even have kids or a husband to look after.

Oh! Relapse or reoccurrence…whatever it may be, I have concluded. Life is short!....I will enjoy it and cherish life as it is.

Hurray...... I am a better speaker

I am really elated beyond words as I have been placed as the 2nd Runners-up at the Toastmasters International District 51 Table Topic Contest which was held over the weekend. What a moral booster this is for me , to come out and less than a year of treatment to have won this award.

In front of an audience of 400 people i shared my experience of having breast cancer and how toastmasters have help me cope with it as the topic was "how toastmasters had an impact in your life"

After i finished the speech and every where i went, many people came and shook hands with me and congratulated me for a good speech. They said i had something very personal to share. I really felt like a celebrity then.

Now, it made me thinking that not everyone want to divulge the fact they had breast cancer. Why not ......I asked myself. I practically announce it to all and sundry that i had it. My friends tell me that, thats me and not everyone can be as open as i am.

Oh well i tend to deal with the situation by talking about it so often to many people. That is my remedy for overcome my adventure with breast cancer...ha...ha!

I know of many people who keep quite or do not want to reveal their condition as they say it is something they rather not talk or think back. I suppose it is our way of looking at things and how we want to encounter each situation we face.

I now realise i have so many things going for me after breast cancer because i want to ...and i and... only i can decide what i want.

I like to end with the same conclusion i ended my table topic speech with, "Smile and Life and
life will smile back at you."

Celebrating Birthdays

I turned 40 recently on March 2006 and am i so glad of it. Why?

Because it has been year after i had my mastectomy done on my left breast which was last Valentine's Day. For me Valentine's Day will always be "LOVE" for life.

Previously i did not make a big deal of birthdays. Like most people i will mourn that i am turning a year older but try to console myself by saying ......."young at heart" is what matters.

This year i celebrated my birthday with my collegues. I wanted to celebrate my birthday, it is a year as a breast cancer survivor and it would be a celebration of life. I ordered lunch for everyone in the office and they got me a birthday cake. When my collegues only wanted to put one candle on the cake....i said " Hei put 4 big candles...I am forty you know".

I am glad i did it as i was really happy that day. I personally think that is it important to celebrate important events...and at the same time to look at the brighter side of things. That is was the the BC has taught me.

From now on i have decided to celebrate birthdays...a happy reminder that i have enjoyed and been blessed with another year.

Of course it is not easy to be positive all the time. When i feel low for that day, I would tell my self " Come on girl ..you have gone through an operation, chemo, and radiotherapy... and you are out of it....so cheer up."

But sometimes with all the treatments, you knew and prepared yourself for the side effects it. But now "the fact is, will i make it for years to come" the statement comes knocking in my thoughts often.

Well i just have to learn as all the survivors of many years have shown me .............enjoy each day as they come along. And so i will look forward to many more birthdays to come.